As of June 19th 2014, I am no longer here, your comments wont be replied to or seen so don't take offence if not replied to. I am not ignoring, just no longer here.
Gotten to the point where my depression has gone to its lowest of thinking of suicide. I am happy people have been talking to me but it is rare and most only speak to me out of pity and speak to me more and more the more they found out about how depressed I was.
I would make a video to this, because then you can hear my tone of voice being normal, depressed and sorry instead of angry and mean like many think I am talking to them in. But I would just end up crying and found no quiet time to do so with people being in the house all the time.
Because of this incident I am now;
- Scared to put myself forward, even once
- Scared to make choices
- Not comfortable talking to people in fear of bullies/rumours/lies or stuff they are hiding from me
- Not confident in myself anymore
- Hate myself more day by day to where I compare myself to criminals
- Forever feel guilty
- Terrified to share anything
- Feel like there is no point in me making friends as I will easily lose them or they will turn against me no matter how much good I done for them
- Don't have any self-worth for myself at all
- Can no longer smile or sleep without crying
- Had constant nightmares every night and lack of sleep
- Want to hurt myself as punishment
Many will say I have done this to myself, however it takes more than one to cause something, good and evil anyone? Any some people did encourage this in this and some to even get strangers on me and tell me to go die even though they said people are sad for sending people on others but do it themselves. I wouldn't have gotten to this point if it was not for the bullies, the lies and down-treatment towards me over something so little which many to this day are still treating as a big case even after me saying sorry around 15 times and also asking to make a fresh start yet still continue to be mean to me.Last Good Bye
(I know they won't read this, I just need to get it off my chest again and again and to me they still and will always mean something to me)
I wish all of my old friends happy and lucky lives and the best of luck with their jobs and art skills, you are all improving greatly even though already amazing people. I am sorry for stressing you out with wanting to fix things and bothering you. I hope your stress levels reduce and you have a safe and relaxing summer holiday. That includes for your family to get better.
I am sorry I was not able to fix the friendships in-time. As much as I would love to be your friends again, I need to ignore myself and put you first instead of hanging onto you guys. Thanks for the good times and inspiration you have given me the past years.
To my fairly new friends, thanks for trying to cheer me up but we all know I won't ever me happy with the guilt hovering over me of what I lost by my own in-perfection. I wish you he best as well in this world which we all wish would get better.
I will keep my account open but only for the gift art and commissions I have done to stay up for people to find if they ever want to use them. I will be blocking DeviantArt on my internet so please do not comment, I won't be able to see them. This also goes for RoyalVirus the account will stay open but only because of the commissions of course.
My points I will be keeping because I am unable to pass them on to the user I want to give them to permanently nor will she ever accept them from me.
There is nothing for me to return to, just like people are set in stone of never returning to me. I said it over and over but it has just gotten to the point I just don't want to return to a site which does have good memories but the bad memories are returning in-front of it. If I continue here and see more and more of art related to her, I will just snap and kill myself which I am close to doing but fear stops me from doing so. So the best thing to do is to leave which is the best for everyone, she no longer has to fear me trying to contact her or be waiting for her no longer. I only returned last time because of my hope for her which she has made very clear there is no point having.
My characters I will be turning human to use in one of my stories and will no longer be Nightmarens.
In the meantime I will try to work on my stories inspired from you guys, mostly Kigoci and SonicS29 to keep my occupied in one day getting them published in some form. Thanks for the inspiration for many stories and the development of my characters.
I will not be making a new account or in the future, I am leaving for good. Please do not re-upload my art or take my characters. If anyone is pretending to be me on other accounts/sites please do not believe them, unless confirm it on my skype, it is not true.
Skype: Ask TheRandomSegaCouple
for it, she will ask me first if I know you to be safe to tell
For anyone who wants to stay in contact with me however please note that I will reject your invite if I do not know the name, so please put in the message or your skype name what your DeviantArt is so I will remember. But be warned, I am not so happy to talk to anymore nor fun/exciting.The Reason
As you all know I lost my two best friends Kigoci and SonicS29 and my close friend KimsSpace in the burst up at the end of February due to me not wording my journal properly. I stopped watching the groups to not see their art to help stop the heart-ache and stay strong.
I love seeing people's art on here but after seeing more and more art related to her (she deserves it) it has just struck the pain in my heart. I not going to un-watch people because of some art that hurts me, that would be shallow but because of it I cannot go a day without depressing myself deeper and randomly crying over what has happened. I thought I could handle seeing her characters and her for her from people I watch but it gets harder as the days go on and my fear of never talking to her increases. Quite frankly, I rather be dead then live in a world where my old best friend will never speak to me.
I learnt more and more people are hating me out of fear because of my little burst up and more agreeing it was over-dramatic than needed and people still are. I hate how people never told me directly what they thought or wanted to say thinking it was better when they knew over and over I wanted truth. I got treated like a new stranger to them all of a sudden instead of the truth they often gave me as a friend, heck some even treated me like I never existed to ask me "who are you? I don't know you" directly to me. Everything has taken a steep dip in the path and more hurt that whenever I express my feelings (like I am now) I get seen as an attention seeker, wanting to play as the victim or just lying because I hurt others which I never meant to hurt, just like they never meant to hurt me. Many are hanging onto that hate which I do understand and will respect.
I keep dreaming of days she will return and we all be sorry for what has happened and restart but then again I have dreams of her attacking me, the person who hates my guts kicking me away from her and spreading lies about me which I already fear the hater has gone and is doing. I not only lost 1 best friend but 2 best friends and a close friends which is forever hurting me day by day and making me more sad that after the time we spent trusting, talking to each other and everything that I could not be forgiven and their image of me changed to suddenly. I know they don't mean to hurt me nor never would on purpose, they are all amazing people and great to even know but I caused my own pain.
Yes there are more people out there to be friends with but a human being cannot be replaced and not as a friend either, not in the same way. I lost my very first best friend I ever had and that will always hurt me and make me cry everyday out of guilt. I have very, VERY low self-esteem which more have been figuring out about me lately and in a world where I been bullied since I was around 6 by almost all the class and then abandoned and blocked out by people I thought was my school friends crushed my social skills and my hope of being happy and having friends to go out with and hang out with like the rest of the world does. It is hard for me to make new friends because of how weird I am and how much I always think I am annoying someone or taking them away from work or their fun even if they tell me I am not I still worry about it.
It has been nice with the people speaking to me on skype but Isadly have to say yes I worry it is only out of pity for me, most of you never spoke to me outside of "thank you" comments before the burst out and even today only talk to me on skype when I say hi or I put up depressing art or journal. Which makes me feel worst about myself as a person. Some of you even only say Hi to me and then go on about how happy you are and such and that is it, no more conversation. It makes me feel bad and when I try to talk more I am ignored because you not told me you left the computer to sleep or real-life stuff but stayed logged in making me feel ignored or that I am annoying you.
I tried to RP but they are not the same as Kigoci's that I am used to and prefer. It is hard for me to RP my characters so normally I just cannot let go of their past even though others want them wiped from existence I just cannot do that and forever keep them in depression and fear such as myself. This does not mean I have not enjoyed the RP's that I have had with some such as TheRandoSegaCouple but I just cannot find them as fun as I would like and just makes me miss my old RP buddy. They neither do not give Hatter the chance to come out as his trollish fun self anymore like he could with Rast, Jester and such in the past.
I may have gone on long with this journal and gone off subject to some but I just had to say this as calming and hopefully as clear as I could without making someone misunderstand what I have put. I just want to give up on DeviantArt because day by day it is just me checking my little to no replies/watch messages and either it being a Llama badge or gift art for Kigoci. Other than that it is just me refreshing the page and being brain dead in the art department because my motivation left with Kigoci. There is nothing I really do on this website and the main reason I stayed 2 years ago and longest I have been going was because of her. I am breaking down day by day knowing more and more she hates me day by day because of lies going around about me by people I never spoken to just to keep that gap getting wider and wider. But if it was not for her I was going to leave DeviantArt because of how bad it is with admins, popular artists bulling the newer artists with their watchers claiming everything and of course, the drama and art thieves.
So it is the time I am giving up. It has been almost 5 months but after learning why I was hated (finally) and even then they did not add up (scrapegoat) I just cannot live anymore knowing I am hated for lies and even though she told me in the future she may not hate me, it is a tiny bit of thread to hold onto because she told me how much she hated me. I know she will never forgive me because of how defensive she is. I was stupid to hang on even though I kept getting bullied down and just cannot wait any longer for something I know will not happen. The star bridge has faded away completely.
So now I say, congratulations. You have won my bullies. Bully may be a harsh word but I don't know what else to call you. You rejected my offer to try and be friends and start from scratch and still be mean to me even though I was being nice or trying to even though you did not see it that way.
You now have her to you and I cannot enter that world anymore, you pushed me out. I am not saying it was your doing, of course I started this stupid war and was too late to fix it. You are just protecting Kigoci from a horrible person such as myself which I thank you for, so please take good care of her because not only her but the rest deserve the best around them.
Have a good 2014 and future everyone! Don't give up drawing or what you love for anybody. Stay Strong and take care~